Historical Hair
(ring) Hello? Hello? Yes, Hello. This is Juan Friend with United Parcel Service. Yeah? We've been trying to come through, sir, for several days, and no one answered the door. Oh. Ok, I mean there's somebody home. We were probably out in back. Oh, in back, huh? So you guys don't have a functional doorbell? (sound effects) What's a good time, sir, to come by? This will be the third attempt now. Uhhhh, are you in the area today? I'm on McHardy(?) Road, currently. I got seven or eight stops, I could be there between eight and nine PM. Sure. This is UPS? Yes sir. Juan Friend is my name. I'm a driver. It's from Historical Hair, the parcel. And what's the address you have? Historical Hair, they do period piece wigs from all different points...in time. (sound effects) Ok? Yeah, I duh, I duh, I, I never ordered nothin'. I deliver for them all the time, actually. Maybe you're not much of a history buff, but they do all kinds of historical wigs, all kinds of things. (sound effects). Ok, so you're gonna be there about nine, ten PM? No I'm not! You're not now. I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE! I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE! What seems to be the trouble up 'ere? (sound effects) What was that? This will be our fourth attempt, sir. We're trying to get this delivered for ya. Uh, let me, uh, is this a good number to call you at? I'm behind the steering wheel right now, guy. I'm trying to help ya. This is actually my day off, our driver's sick today, so I had to lend a hand. You know something? What's that? Uh, why don't you take one hand off the wheel... Yeah. ...and shove a finger up your ass. Hey, Historical Hair, they're friends of mine. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! I'm turning your number over to the state police! Hey, guy. Leo is it? No. No. Ok. You understand me? I'm giving this number - I'm calling the state police as soon as I get done talking to you, and I'm giving them your number. (sound effects) Whoa...about history, if you don't know anything about history, you wouldn't know historic hair. They do all kinds wigs, and powdered wigs, it's real neat. Why don't ya check it out, instead of being so unprofessional. No. You're unprofessional...(ya just are) Hey, Hey, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. You're unprofessssssssss...Am I understoodddddddd? (hang up sound) - (ring) Hello? Yes, I'm Brent Friend, I'm a statewide manager at UPS. Well this is somebody else, now. We have a package from Historical Hair for ya. We're tryin' to deliver it today. What's the problem up there, sir? What's your problem?!? What, uh, uh, UPS when they come here, they drop a tag off at the door if there's nobody home. Now, I don't know what kind of scam you're running. I told your friend I'm gonna turn these numbers over to the state police. (pitch shifted and echo) What? What?...We have Historical Hair, parcel of historic wigs, that you ordered... Na, ah, I didn't order nothin'. Let me talk to your supervisor. Ok, one moment. (ring sound, LPC voice is not present from now until next ring sound. This is an unknown 3rd voice (LPCs "supervisor"), speaking with the original call recipient which LPC is trying to deliver Historic Hair to) (third voice) Hello? Who is this? Hellooo? Hello? Yeah. Helloooo. What's your name? If you don't know my name you wouldn't be calling here. (breathing sounds) Why don't you speak up, you prick? You show up at my house, I'm calling the police department. Do you understand that? (hang up sond) - (ring sound) Hello? (LPC) Hi, my name's Juan Friend, I got a lot of Historical Hair, wigs, Civil War, all kinds of period pieces I'm trying to get rid of. Uh, yeah, you'd have to call the pawn shop for that. We'd probably schedule you for it, OK? Ah, nice. I got a twenty foot long wig, actually. It was mean for like a Crystal Gayle type... (hang up sound) - (ring) Hello? (LPC) Hey, what's the big idea up 'ere? (pitch shifted down at end). Ok, dude, you know, you know, I'm with my kids right now, I'm with my kids. (sound effects) Ok, so obviously, obviously you, how old are you? Me? I'm 22 sir. So, do you live with your parents? I live with my great grandmother. She's 109. (echo). That's how old she is. (echo). She turned me on to some of this wig stuff. She gave me a 20 foot wig, a Civil War wig... Ok, so, so , this is what you do with your life? Uh... So obviously you don't have a job, either. I don't wear wigs, I'm trying to sell them, i guess you... So you don't have a job, ok. And you prank phone call people and think it's funny when you're 22 years old. I'm just saying dude, do you see a problem with that? I need money, is that... Do you? Yeah, I need these wigs sold, like, yesterday. Ok, so, so, you really, I mean dude. I mean just think about it. Ok. (echo sound effects). I mean, think about how really super cool you're acting right now. I mean, I mean, how, I mean it's so cool that you can prank phone call somebody, and be funny. Well how.. ("how" echos) You know, I mean dude, I mean. Well how.. ("how" echos) You know, I mean dude, I mean. How much can I expect to make here? Monetarily? (echo). You know dude, I mean it's ummm, obviously you got a lot of growing up to do. I mean really dude, I mean sit back and look at your life. Right now you could probably be out trying to get a job or something like that. Crystal Gayle, I mean there's some Crystal Gayle Halloween fanatics out there that would love this 20 foot wig. Well, no, think, think about it dude. Think about it. You're 22 years old and you're trying to make a prank phone call, to sound cool. I got wigs up the yin yang, guy. That's what you don't seem to comprehend here. No, I completely comprehend. I understand that you're a young guy, who has probably grown up without a father, or something like that, because you have, umm...You know he would have probably taught you that this was a stupid thing to do. Ahh, I see what you're sayin'. Ok, you know, it's not cool, really, to call up people and fuck with their lives. You, you, it's not. You want to talk to my grandmother (pitch shifted down at end). I'm, I'm with, I'm with, I'm with my young kids and my grandkids right now. K? And you're calling me up and wanting to make a joke of your day over me. I've got historical hair, I've got 20 foot wigs, I've got everything ya neeeeed. I've got everything ya neeeeed. (Whole line is pitch shifted). So, so, so wh, K, I just wanna, so what does this do for you? I wanna know. I'm looking to make some money today. I need it like yesterday. No, no, I want to know what this does for you? Making the prank phone calls. What does it do for you dude? What does it do for you? What does it do for you? What does it do for you? (LPC repeating, with voice effects and echo) What does it do, it do, it do, it do... What does it do for you? (LPC making "what does it do" sound effects, these continue through to the hangup sound). So you can't even answer the question. Because you're just an immature kid, who probably grew up without a dad, and, umm, and your just uh, you're lost in the world. K, so, dude, my suggestion is, dude, go get a job, and then maybe, maybe get an apartment... (LPC sound effects: "de-doo, de-doo, de-doo). (Hangup sound) - (ring) Hello? (LPC) Yeah, this is Brent, United Parcel Service. I'm trying to schedule a delivery up 'ere. What kind of delivery? Ah, from Historical Hair. They got all kinds of wigs from the Civil War, this era, that, or all kinds of different wigs. Well I don't want none of them wigs. What do I want a wig for? I never purchased no wig. Yes, ya did. No, I didn't. Well, I'm in the truck, I'm on my way up 'ere right now. Pst, well come on up, but I didn't purchase no wig. Well, it's C.O.D. Well...I ain't got no cash. I've had this call a million times. I'm out workin' on my hot rod, I'll be right in the driveway. Ok, well just give me the credit card number and uh... Hah, I ain't givin' you no credit card number. You must think I'm stupid. Hey, It's none of my business if you order wigs, or figs, or twigs, I don't care what you order. So don't even bring 'er up, 'cause I ain't givin' you no credit card number, no nothin'. Well I'm not coming up there without a credit card payment. Just read it to me now. (pitch shifting throughout line) Zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, Dash, Zero, Zero, Zero, Zero, Dash Zero... (LPC repeating 'Zero' with effects and echo) Ron, just gimme what I neeed, gimme the information I neeeeed. Ah, I'm givin' you nothing, and I don't need no wig, or whatever you're bringing up. Figs, or whatever it is, I didn't order it. Historic Hair. They got wigs from the Civil War. The Elizabethan Era. They got wigs from everywhere. Everywhere. (echo and pitch effects). Ha. Give me the information that I neeeed. I need the long number for your credit card, and then I'll be up there with your merchandise. Ok? (effects throughout). I don't want , no, no, Ha. (mocking the LPC echo effect) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Why are you causing a problem for me? I never ordered nothing. For you???? (echo) What do you mean for you? (echo). (mocking LPC echo) Yooouuu keeeep that wiiigggy, wiiigy, wiiiggggy, wigggy, wiiiggggy, wiiiggggy, wiiiggggy, wiiiggggy, Good bye. (hang up sound) - track end.